Not an Ounce of Shame
by LizzieV
Summary: Shenny silliness in honor of leap day. This story stemmed from a friend starting a conversation with "how could we get Sheldon drunk?"


Disclaimer: Chuck Lorre and CBS own the funny. I'm just playing with them for a little while…

Pairing: Shenny

Rating: K

Author's Note: In honor of leap day (and to fulfill my promise of publishing at least once a month), I bring you this monstrosity. February was a fantastic month filled with a lot of craziness that I wouldn't trade for anything, especially Valentine's Day. But it has taken me from my fanfic. Here's hoping this ficlet gets all the writing juices flowing once more.

Dedication: For Vanessa and Kelly (or Howard and Leonard, as it were) who share the same love of Big Bang that I do. And who have lovingly embraced me as their Sheldon. It's okay, Vanessa only has an Associate's Degree…

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**Not an Ounce of Shame**

It was an unassuming Wednesday night and everyone had plans except for the gorgeous, single blonde in the apartment across the way. Even Amy Farrah Fowler had turned down her invitation to happy hour because she had some important monkey brain dissections to do. Of course the nerdy brunette had said "no" to hanging out in an awkwardly, perhaps-it-was-a-sexual-come-on sort of way, so the aspiring actress was kinda okay with going to the bar alone. But something caught her eye as she made her way towards the stair landing. The door to the boys' apartment was slightly cracked, which was odd in itself since Penny was aware of at least three separate clauses of the roommate agreement that strictly forebode such utter disregard for personal safety. Either way, with the door so ajar, the blonde neighbor was able to easily discern the pleasant scent of dinner being prepared. Not bothering to knock (why start now?), Penny pushed the door open to see what she'd be inviting herself to join…

Penny stopped near the entryway and stared for a full minute before speaking. She took that time to notice that the living room and kitchen stood empty save for one occupant. And that occupant was frantically stirring a huge steaming pot of something delicious…in a full on chef jacket and matching hat. "Sheldon, honey, what are you doing?" She crossed her arms across her chest and waited.

"What does look it doing, I am?" Sheldon's response struck a familiar chord with the blonde. Living next to the boys for so long had trained her brain to pick up even the slightest hints of nerdspeak. This is what would be considered an emulation of that creepy _Star Wars_ character, Yoda. But something was odd…well, odder than usual. Could it be?

"Sheldon, what _exactly_ are you cooking?"

"Chicken with vodka sauce." That confirmed Penny's suspicions. She raised an eyebrow. "Don't worry, I've been assured that all the alcohol cooks off and leaves a residual full-bodied flavor to the sauce. I've been tasting it every few minutes and can't detect any alcoholic remnants." The goofy smile Sheldon had plastered on his face said otherwise.

"Honey," Penny took a tentative step forward before continuing, "How much vodka did you put in the sauce?"

"The recipe called for 2 or 3 OZ Vodkas, so I obliged accordingly." Sheldon made to grab at an empty bottle that was resting on the kitchen island. His first attempt swiped at empty air, though his second attempt was more successful. He held up the bottle for Penny to peruse. "It took me _forever_ to find the OZ brand. I had to go to three specialty stores—one in little Moscow—Penny, I had to ride the _bus_." He clinked the bottle against the other two empty glass containers resting in the sink before spinning back around. "Don't worry, I changed out of my bus pants." _Did he just waggle his eyebrows at me?_ Penny thought. Oh brother, this was going to be a loooong night.

"You're hair, so prettsy." Sheldon moved closer to a still-stunned Penny, lifting his hand in attempt to pet her hair. She pulled away easily, having much experience avoiding men with grabby hands given her line of work. "Have I ever told you about my secret crush on Rose Tyler? Well, I guess I haven't because it's a SECRET!" Sheldon's usual huff-laugh came out in shorter gasps of breath. Someone less familiar with the man would just as soon assume he was having an asthma attack. "She's Doctor Who's special companion. Well, the 9th Doctor's companion…and the 10th. But the 10th, he had a few. Rose was definitely the prettiest with her blonde hair and airheadedness…just like you. Can you do a British accent, Penny?" The brilliant scientist leaned closer to his own female companion, bending just enough to compensate for the height difference. It was easy to see in his eyes the war being waged between the alcohol's inherent friendliness and Sheldon's innate fear of people. The feeling soon passed as he thought better of his actions and backed away.

"You know what, Sheldon? I'm glad to know that even when you're drunk off your ass, you still couldn't kiss a girl."

"If you'd like, I'd be willing to pretend we copulated in Leonard's bed so when he returns he could walk in on us in a jealous rage." He paused before continuing, "Though it didn't work out all too well when you did that with Raj." He shrugged his shoulders and stared.

"Why don't we just have some pasta and discuss this later?" Penny went over and grabbed a bowl from the cupboard before scooping a generous helping of the Italian concoction to enjoy. She wondered if it would be wise to pair her meal with a glass of wine. As long as she ate the pasta first, she should be fine. Liquor before beer, and all. Penny would need a lot of alcohol to deal with an inebriated Sheldon, she figured. And if eating _and_ drinking it would accomplish the goal of getting her buzzed faster, that was fine by her.

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A/N: they belong together, right? Haha.


End file.
